Just when

Just when I think I can’t do this anymore, just when I am feeling burdened by the fact that I’m changing my family’s lives, affecting my children, that’s when I’ll pick up the book I’m reading and it gives me strength again. It’s affirmation that I’m doing the right thing. I still want to give up, but I won’t.

It’s frustrating and discouraging to think that this baby who is changing our lives so much may not even remember us someday. She’s amazing and good and sweet natured. But if she leaves us she may not stay that way. Everything we’ve done, everything we’ve given up, all the worries and the broken hearts and she may never even know it happened. And then I read this:

Loving people without expecting anything in return always turns out to have the greatest returns.

The best investment of your life is to love exactly when it’s most inconvenient.

–The Broken Way. by: Ann Voskamp

After all

Wednesday wasn’t the end after all. That will be in 2 weeks with longer unsupervised visits in the meantime. My faith in the system has been renewed and I’m treasuring the time I have left with this beautiful girl.

Start & End

I’ve been trying to start this blog for over 2 weeks and before that I thought about it for weeks. There’s never a perfect time when you have 4 to 6 kids in the house. There’s so much to say and it’s overwhelming and time consuming to say it the perfect way. Writing it all down from the beginning is impossible.

So screw perfection. Here it goes.

Foster care is hard. No matter the child or the situation or the foster family. In one way I feel like a veteran even though I’m still with my first placement of 2 girls (who aren’t sisters). One may be going back with her birth parent tomorrow. It’s an ending and a beginning.

I keep watching her and stroking her face and kissing her hands and smoothing her hair. Trying to be positive and upbeat even though I just want to lay down and cry. I want to spend every last moment with her and I want to be alone. I want to reenact all the fun things we’ve done and I want to stay at home with only family. I want to spoil her and I want to continue teaching her patience and obedience.

Nothing is for sure. Maybe there will be more time. But maybe not. It’s completely out of my control, which is a blessing and a curse.